i just google imaged poop.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
