Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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