my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
