every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
