if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
id be glad to
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
