I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
