He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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