apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
