I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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