is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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