please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
