i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
