I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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