I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
