nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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