Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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