im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
hotel room ftw
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
