So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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