i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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