i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
