I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
