thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
