The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
