I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
