so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
