Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
