I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
