someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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