Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
as a side note pls kill me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
