dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize