First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
