Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
