So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
