I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
