we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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