She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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