Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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