I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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