now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
