I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
