im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
40s are totally the cure
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
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