I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
