That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
