We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
