I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
