with your own penis?
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize