i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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