so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
