I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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