well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
