The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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