If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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