I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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