He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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